Monday, January 5, 2015

Starting over

I’m starting over with this blog. After having weight loss surgery in Dec 2012, I lost 85 lbs and people joked that I couldn’t blog about “Fluffy Donna” since  I wasn’t so fluffy anymore. I knew back then, as I do now, I will always battle my fluff. And no matter how small I get, I will always have my beloved fat roll – you know, the unwelcome friend that grew between my boobs and my pooch, formed through years of gaining weight around pants that were too tight.  Even at my lowest weight of 138 lbs, it was still there, just much much smaller.  But I digress
In my journey to better health, I have been as high as 225 and as low as 138, with an average of around 195.  I have tried diets, fasting, weight loss surgery (gastric sleeve), boot camps and various exercise programs. They ALL work great, as long as I can be disciplined and not let my emotions get the best of me.
This past year, since having a baby, I have lost all sense of discipline. Having a baby put me into survival mode. I didn’t gain much during the pregnancy, and lost all the weight within a few weeks (it helped that I had a bad infection from my emergency C-section and therefore didn’t eat much for 3 weeks…).  All 30 pounds of my post-baby weight have nothing to do with my pregnancy and everything to with how I handled the stress of life. We all have stress, of varying degrees, and we all have our coping strategies. Mine is food.

I am 168 pounds today, which is…. well, what it is.  I don’t want to be this weight, I HATE gaining weight, and I’ve worked so hard to get down to my lowest.  But I have to have grace for myself. Having a baby is hard and learning to reverse lifelong coping strategies is even harder.

As an adult, I recognize I am a critical, direct person. In my natural, mental state, I can be quite witchy and cruel which is why I try VERY hard to be kind and graceful to others.  To myself, I am vicious and mean.  Those thoughts and self-judgments are perpetuating the problem. Sure, at some point, they helped “whip me into shape,” but now they are ineffective and harmful voices that need to be “redirected” as my counselors would say.

It’s time to remove the emotion from those negative tracks. Let’s take out the mean words and just list the facts. Since I’m a list person, here goes it.

·         I am overweight, and it is not the end of the world.
·         The number on the scale does NOT matter.
·         How I feel matters.
·         How I look matters (to me, I’m just being honest here!)
·         My pooch and my beastly/beloved fat roll are TOO BIG, making my clothes too tight.
·         My husband and my son and my friends love me no matter how much I weight or how fat I am.
·         My choice to overeat and exercise are proof that I don’t have discipline.
·         I can discipline myself if it CHOOSE to do it in a nurturing way. I can train myself to make better choices by finding accountability and making slow, nurturing changes that make me feel good about myself.
·         Being overweight has not prevented me from having a happy life. It might in the future, but not if I stay active and happy.
·         Even if I never lose weight, it is not the end of the world. I have better things to do with my time than to beat myself up over something that doesn’t matter.
·         My health matters more than my weight - I recognize that weight and health are linked to each other, but at the end of the day, healthy choices are more about nurturing myself rather than trying to achieve someone else’s standard of health.
Instead of beating myself up about the past and warning myself about an unhealthy future, I am resolving to nurture myself to better health.  I need to have a renewed mind that craves healthy food and strengthening exercise because it’s good for me.  This is a slooooooooow process, but I have to keep going. I didn’t like brown rice and whole wheat bread overnight but over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate them over the white stuff. This journey is the same.

My goals for now
·         Eat 3-5 veggies every day
·         Eat 4 small, REAL meals + an early evening snack
·         Drink enough water
·         Take a daily multivitamin
·         Exercise at least 30 minutes most days
·         Journal most days